in search of a get-holy-quick scheme

Some days I wish I knew what the Lord has in store for me. I find myself anxiously anticipating my future. I know in my mind that it isn't God's desire for me to plan out my entire future, or to know much about it. Some days I think I have it all down, I know in what direction everything is headed. But then God's like no, not even close, just be patient and all will be revealed in the perfect time. As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be grown up. I want my own home, my own wife and kids, a real job, fun cars. Here I am, getting closer, and now that it's almost here, I don't know what I want anymore. I think the pessimist in me wants to be alone forever, be that mysterious guy down the road that everybody wonders about. Sometimes I think I could accomplish more for the Lord if I didn't distract myself with a family. If I try and step back to take a wide angle view of my life and how eternally insignificant every decision I make every day is, everything starts to seem pointless. I'm reasonably sure that I'm afraid of my future. What if it doesn't turn out the way I wanted? What if I do end up married and it turns out unpleasant? What if I marry the wrong girl and screw up God's plan? It's beginning to seem like the what if?'s could kill a person. Leave him hiding in the corner, afraid to make any decision, afraid of the consequences. What if I mess this up, how many lives will it affect? It's scary. Some days I wish I could go through life without thinking too much. I already have a simple mind, but I think simpler would be better. Indecision can leave a life fruitless. It seems the more I try and follow the Lord, the more difficult and confusing things get. Is Satan trying to cloud my vision? Am I just not diligent enough? Becoming a man of God isn't an easy process. Holiness doesn't just happen one day. Or maybe it does and I just haven't figured it out yet. I'll work on this and report back.

posted by dave @ 8:36 PM