don't look back.

Or should I? I don't think i'm gonna like what i see. Every project half finished, nothing to show for my almost twenty one years on this planet. Dabbled in a lot of random stuff, not good at any of it. Never really devoted my full effort for more than a few minutes. Never stuck to anything. A lot of lowered goals, still waiting to be completed. Lots and lots of broken promises, lots of tears caused. Maybe i've learned some stuff. Or maybe not, judging by my current attitude and recent actions. Today i found myself back in highschool, sitting in the back corner falling asleep again. Total loss of interest in something i found interesting a few months back. Sitting there, half listening to the teacher tear down and walk all over everything i believe. It's true, history does repeat itself, at least to some extent. Here i am, barely skating by, because i'm a forgetful procrastinator. I'm getting tired of having no finished projects around here. I've got 4 cars to my name, one of them runs. Only two have complete engines. I have no money, for various materialistic reasons. I've worked so hard for this? Well, i should be asking 'i've skated by so hard for this?' How is it that i've let my life become this? Perhaps completing a project would make me feel better. [assuming i'm actually capable of that] Or i could just put it all off, and say 'the end is near, why bother?' I honestly think that. Look what kind of filth we live in and around. I have no biblical basis for this, but i think the end is near. I can't look anywhere without seeing mass death and destruction. Yet i sit here and write my thoughts to myself. How vain am i? Nothing makes me happy. I can't be satisfied with my job, or at this point even my career choice. I know i'm not perfect, but how much should i second guess myself? Here i sit, surrounded by all [well, most] of my worldly posessions. It's all trash. In my eyes, and especially God's eyes. I'm beginning to understand how lost the lost must feel when they get to the point where nothing whets the appetite for posessions. Everything i used to enjoy has become dull and meaningless. Why? Because i've strayed from the Lord? Probably. When i put my worth into all this junk that surrounds me, life becomes the meaningless pursuit of stuff. I know this, but will that change anything? Stuff needs to change. I want to go to small group. I really do. I just never remember or have the energy. I miss those guys. I miss my friends from church. I miss my friends from high school. I miss the life i took for granted, even hated at the time. I miss being on fire for what i believe. [if i ever was even remotely warm] I know i have potential. I know that it can only be fully used through the Lord. So why do i try to do it myself? That's rewarded me with oh so much. Lord, i want to serve you, and only you. I want to turn this trainwreck i call my life in a new direction. I'm not even worthy to speak your name, let alone ask you for stuff, but nonetheless, i need your strength. I need your help. I can't do anything without you. I've proved that more than enough times. My life again needs the meaning it once had a hint of. That can only come from you. I need to be made new again, and give all i have and ever will be to you. Use me to the fullest Lord, that i might be even a dim reflection of the love and grace you have extended to me.

posted by dave @ 10:46 PM