3.28.2007
 
don't look back.
Or should I? I don't think i'm gonna like what i see. Every project half finished, nothing to show for my almost twenty one years on this planet. Dabbled in a lot of random stuff, not good at any of it. Never really devoted my full effort for more than a few minutes. Never stuck to anything. A lot of lowered goals, still waiting to be completed. Lots and lots of broken promises, lots of tears caused. Maybe i've learned some stuff. Or maybe not, judging by my current attitude and recent actions. Today i found myself back in highschool, sitting in the back corner falling asleep again. Total loss of interest in something i found interesting a few months back. Sitting there, half listening to the teacher tear down and walk all over everything i believe. It's true, history does repeat itself, at least to some extent. Here i am, barely skating by, because i'm a forgetful procrastinator. I'm getting tired of having no finished projects around here. I've got 4 cars to my name, one of them runs. Only two have complete engines. I have no money, for various materialistic reasons. I've worked so hard for this? Well, i should be asking 'i've skated by so hard for this?' How is it that i've let my life become this? Perhaps completing a project would make me feel better. [assuming i'm actually capable of that] Or i could just put it all off, and say 'the end is near, why bother?' I honestly think that. Look what kind of filth we live in and around. I have no biblical basis for this, but i think the end is near. I can't look anywhere without seeing mass death and destruction. Yet i sit here and write my thoughts to myself. How vain am i? Nothing makes me happy. I can't be satisfied with my job, or at this point even my career choice. I know i'm not perfect, but how much should i second guess myself? Here i sit, surrounded by all [well, most] of my worldly posessions. It's all trash. In my eyes, and especially God's eyes. I'm beginning to understand how lost the lost must feel when they get to the point where nothing whets the appetite for posessions. Everything i used to enjoy has become dull and meaningless. Why? Because i've strayed from the Lord? Probably. When i put my worth into all this junk that surrounds me, life becomes the meaningless pursuit of stuff. I know this, but will that change anything? Stuff needs to change. I want to go to small group. I really do. I just never remember or have the energy. I miss those guys. I miss my friends from church. I miss my friends from high school. I miss the life i took for granted, even hated at the time. I miss being on fire for what i believe. [if i ever was even remotely warm] I know i have potential. I know that it can only be fully used through the Lord. So why do i try to do it myself? That's rewarded me with oh so much. Lord, i want to serve you, and only you. I want to turn this trainwreck i call my life in a new direction. I'm not even worthy to speak your name, let alone ask you for stuff, but nonetheless, i need your strength. I need your help. I can't do anything without you. I've proved that more than enough times. My life again needs the meaning it once had a hint of. That can only come from you. I need to be made new again, and give all i have and ever will be to you. Use me to the fullest Lord, that i might be even a dim reflection of the love and grace you have extended to me.


posted by dave @ 10:46 PM


3.01.2007
 
Oh how the world has changed!
Well, maybe it's not that drastic. I posted not too long ago. Not that it meant anything to anyone. That's ok, it's just kindof an outlet for me when i'm excited. I'm not overly excited about much this time though. I'm in school still, working part time, hanging out with Joe. That's about it. Don't make enough money to work on my junks for the time being. Buying parts slowly, stashing them until i pile enough up to do something with. Gonna start selling some of my crap on eBay so i can get some more junk. In Auto Service class now, which is freakin amazing. A clean, new, well-lit shop with an awesome teacher. And all i do is work on cars from 8-4! And i get 6 credit hours for it! Exciting!

This may be a touchy subject, but how many people still go to the college group? Last meeting i went to had like 8 people there. Seems i remember there being more way back when. Granted, some of this is cause people are away at school, but is that it? There were always lots of COD people there. No longer. I know this has been said so many times by so many people, but it seems all the solid stuff i've taken for granted over the last few years has changed. Everything seems to be crumbling away, and here i sit, almost an adult, facing my future head on. Yeah, i know what i want to do and all, but it's not here yet. All the stuff i relied on through high school and the last two years of college seems gone. I have one friend from my high school still, and i don't see him as much as i used to. My Rock friends are all off at school, or busy working and stuff. It just seems really quiet around here. Nothing ever happens. [am i wrong? am i just missing out?] Don't get me wrong, i'm so thankful for my life and what i have. I'm not depressed or anything, just kinda bored with the everyday. I was looking forward to this regularity of events, where i know what's gonna happen tomorrow, cause i did it today too. I feel a lot older than i really am. I'm so far disconnected with the world of everything. I don't know nine out of ten of the new cool bands, computers are way over my head now, i don't keep up with much of anything anymore. I still have dreams of what i want to do, but will that satisfy, or leave me where i am now? I still have faith in my salvation and all, even if it isn't the most devout you've ever seen. I try. By no means am i a role model for anybody or anything. Is this that place where people get, then get saved and say "life was meaningless then i got God and now stuff means stuff again!"? Everything i want to do with my life seems so futile. I don't want to end up drowning in apathy like high school all over again. Everything seems like a waste of time. My life is based on things that mean nothing. I spend countless dollars on the pursuit of acceleration. My mind can't even focus on any one meaningless thing. It's just swirling mess of cars, music, tools, girls and any number of other things. Funny how none of this stuff satisfies. Seems i've been told all this before. Seems i've been in this place before. Sorry if i'm boring you with the repeat. It seems nothing i do has eternal significance. [now i know it, i have been here before. what comes next?] I'm not lost. Well, not that lost. I know i have to reach out to people if i want to make a difference. But you don't know how hard that is! [well, maybe you do] I think i want to get into a ministry, but i dunno. A car ministry would be nice, since that is what i'm educated in. I'm trying to figure out how to use my passion for cars and speed for the Lord. I was thinking about serving at a camp in Wisconsin as a mechanic. That'd be awesome. But i haven't pursued it. [my usual tactic with everything - think too long and don't do anything till it's too late] I gotta pray some more or something. I dunno. [insert abrupt ending here, for lack of thought]


posted by dave @ 9:42 PM


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