i'm lost

It's amazing how crazy life is. Unexpected and the like. How one night can bring back a huge flood of emotions from years ago and put a really big exclamation point on your current ones. Tonight i sat with a couplea friends from high school and watched Larry the Cable Guy's movie. It was funny, it kept me distracted. But on the way home, wow. All this stuff i thought was childish and stupid and self centered came back so quick. How can spending time with friends make your lonliness so painfully obvious? Why is it that everything seems to happen at once? All it took was for an ex of mine from high school to leave a little early to go meet a guy. Brought back the shame, the regrets, the lonliness, worthlessness and the like. i don't know what it's all about. Drawing my attention to my failures in my most recent relationship and all the stuff that could have been avoided. Proclaiming to myself "you're alone and sad and nobody else is!" i know i should see through this as a blatant attack by satan. It seems so simple in concept, but when it's happening to you, it's not as visible. i know i've had an easy life with no major trials to speak of and i shouldn't complain. i know that my Lord loves me more than i can imagine and He'll never stop. i know that i do have friends from church who do care. Then how can that all seem like a lie? i witnessed it myself last night. What changed? Today i try to seek the Lord with all i have, and am met with discouragement. Am i finally posing a threat to satan? Or am i just tripping over my own stupidity and short sightedness? Maybe if i took my eyes off myself, i could walk in a straight line and not trip over stuff. But despite my best efforts, they are fixed upon the pathetic mediocrity that is my life.

posted by dave @ 11:15 PM