wow

So a lot has happened. i think. There's been ups and downs...mostly ending in downs i suppose, because i keep tripping and falling all over myself. Maybe because i have very poor judgement and decision making skills. Those can be improved with time tho. i feel like i've walked backwards a few years in my faith. A lot of the stuff i believed very strongly has been questioned and shaken around. It got to the point where i began to question right and wrong as absolutes and started making changes to my values to try to attain happiness. Guess what-it didn't work. I tried to make others happy and just ended up tearing them down and taking them backwards in their faith. Doing this for awhile, it reached a point where there wasn't much hope left in the world. i grew up around Christians forever and have been one for as long as i can remember, and this was the first time i felt i couldn't go back to God, because i would have to give up my supposed happiness in order to please him. So what happens when your worldly happiness lets you down? There's not a whole lot left. Nothing, in fact. Being in a position where there's nothing to live for is not the place to be. Not like i need to tell you that, but still. It began to show me how everyone without hope lives, always on the edge of living for nothing. All in the pursuit of fun and happiness. Sure, it may be fun and happy while fun stuff is happening, but how long does it last? Until next week? Until tomorrow? Until you get home even? Coming home empty and unfulfilled is no good. It creates dissatisfaction, sadness, depression...sound like the fun and happiness it appeared to be at first? It's weird coming home and wanting to tell God how i feel but stopping short because i'd have to give up my dissatisfaction, sadness and depression in order to talk to him. And of course, those are much more appealing than joy and hope and peace. After it's all said and done, it's a little easier to see how clever satan is. He takes awesome stuff God's created for our happiness and twists it out of context and turns it into something that tears you away from God. And he makes it so appealing. Then creation gets placed above the Creator and it's all a mess. It actually makes me appreceate God's forgiveness. Never have i run for so long. God works through this even. Here i was, spitting in his face too many times to count, breaking his heart and running off on my own to seek my fortune in the world, and he was right here waiting for me, missing me, wanting me back, ready to forget all i'd ever done, once again. Wow. Truly, God is more amazing than i will ever find words for.

posted by dave @ 8:17 PM